Last week I went and had coffee with a friend. We started chit-chatting and she asked me, ” What is the hardest part of being a mom so far?” It made me think. My hardest parts came to a surprise to me. Maybe it is because I had heard all those typical mom/newborn issues and I had mentally prepared myself for late nights, crying, and generally not knowing what I was doing. Those things were/are difficult, but I approach them all with a positive attitude. ( or as much as I can at 3:00 in the morning)
You see to me having a baby has been really eye opening about myself. A lot of self-realization and pride swallowing. In the best way possible.
The first thing I think I said was giving up my body. I don’t mean the weight gain/body changing of physically having the baby. I mean the fact that because I nurse I have someone else “in control” of my body. Demanding to be fed and I am the only one physically able to do it. ( For the most part) This lead to me realizing that for 30 some years I was totally free. I have always been a very independent person and have enjoyed my freedom of coming/going whenever I pleased. This all changed. I was on lockdown. I couldn’t just go run errands, or get groceries without it being a big deal. I think it is the ease of coming and going that I missed. I still came and went, I just had someone with me at all times and IF I did leave on my own it was a rush to get back before feedings. It just made me feel very out of control of my own self. It was hard.
Now none of that has changed, and it is still hard for me, BUT once I realized this was how I was feeling I CHOSE to feel different about it all. To change my mindset of how I looked at it.
First off, I chose this. This was absolutely 100 % what we wanted. We wanted this baby with all of our hearts. Secondly, it is a good thing to not be thinking of only myself anymore. (Yes I always thought about my husband as well, but he is a big boy and generally makes good everyday decisions on his own. lol) I am now thinking about more. It really is a wonderful thing to be thinking of others.
There are other hard parts. No alone time, struggling to still be “Ashley” and not just Eloise’s mom, but they all stem from that same place of self.
I honestly do NOT feel like I have given up my “self” or do I feel resentful or ungrateful. I feel fuller. More full. Full. It just takes some time adjusting to all the extra in my life now. Extra is great. Extra is smiling at me in the middle of the night. Extra is giggling at me when I sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” for the 10,000th time. Extra is always happy to see me and loves me. You know what guys, Extra is amazing……
